Wednesday, July 22, 2009
What The ^%#%@$...%$#%! Are You Kidding Me?
Please Readers, be sure to click the link on the right to view my current asiasdolls auctions on eBay. There may be something fabulous you never knew you needed. You may call this shameless self promotion. Whatever. I call it, "Have a heart and help a momma out." That's right, my tiny little $30 car repair just turned into a humongous $514 car repair. Never even saw that one coming.
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
The Haunting
Vader is in Texas this week. So really it's not my fault that I had to invite E to come over with her shovel. That handy dandy shovel that takes care of the stuff of my nightmares. You know how there are movies that haunt you? Mine are Amistad, Schindler's List and the like. I literally try for years to erase the images from my mind. It's no different for me, the images of dead animals. The sight actually sticks with me and just seeps into my thoughts the way boobs and butts seep into the minds of men at all hours of the day and night. Anyway, I had no choice but to go get E to pick up the dead baby birds that tumbled out of their rooftop nest onto my lawn. I was beside myself, just writing this is giving me a stomachache. I feel a little lightheaded right now.
Poor E though. Today I had to ask her if I could borrow her ladder so that I could break into my house. When she saw me coming she said, "What happened, another dead bird? Should I get my shovel?" No E, just a little breaking and entering, but I'm thinking I should probably get you a tool belt with a shovel holder just so it's always handy.
Poor E though. Today I had to ask her if I could borrow her ladder so that I could break into my house. When she saw me coming she said, "What happened, another dead bird? Should I get my shovel?" No E, just a little breaking and entering, but I'm thinking I should probably get you a tool belt with a shovel holder just so it's always handy.
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
For Mature Readers Only
Let me just say that when I moved to this neighborhood I was fortunate enough to live in an area with some wonderful people. To say they are great neighbors really isn't true, they are great people that happen to be neighbors. Please understand, the Crazies are plentiful on my street as well. You know the type, you see them and quickly do an about face, head down, back into your house. All the while whispering the mantra, "Don't make eye contact, don't make eye contact...". None of it matters, these are the type of people that just follow you on into the house, grab a seat on the couch, and ask what's for dinner. Anyway, aside from those 3 or 5 special treasures, the people I share a neighborhood with are some of the best people I have ever had the privilege of knowing.
In saying that, let me just point out that everyone has their, um.....quirks. Sometimes funny, sometimes bizarre, sometimes.....scary.
Here follows our story:
One neighbor (we'll call her E) that is truly a wonderful friend and person, I just love her, recently had an unfortunate break up of her relationship. Now, believe me, at the time I thought her ex-husband to be straight stupid, E doesn't possess a single bad quality. Now, after getting to know her a little better....I find him even more stupid, perhaps fatally so.
Another neighbor who has made his way to my postings before, China, has a vendetta against the squirrels. On this street we had a few crazy squirrels as well. Some might call them friendly, but when they peer into your storm door and knock to be let in, to me that's crazy. When you bring out the broom to scoot them off the front porch and they instead help you sweep, that's crazy. China had only the best intentions in mind, to rid the neighborhood of the crazy, and potentially rabid squirrels, when he bought himself a b-b gun. He's only thinking of the children after all.
Well, one lovely spring day, China turned out to not be the best shot. Here is where the horror begins, Readers. Be warned, the following story is not for the faint of heart. China had thought he had a good clean shot on the squirrel, the squirrel disappeared and he thought that was the end of that. Until poor D discovered the squirrel under my hose reel, paralyzed on the whole lower half of her body with a large round hole on the side of her body. China's calling card.
The squirrel was in pain, but still mobile and was limping under the fence and trying to get up the tree, not able to figure out why her body wouldn't do what she wanted it to do. China was conveniently gone. I cannot handle looking at (let alone touching) dead or dying animals, not roadkill, not a little mouse, not even a whole chicken in the local grocer's meat counter. I ran to E's house. Before becoming a full time mommy, E worked for the pharmaceutical companies, we all know what that means. Well, to be honest, Readers, I really didn't fully know what that meant. So I tell E what has happened, she's appalled. She says, "Hang on, I'll be right over....I'll bring my shovel." Whaaat? I just say okay, I don't really think I want to know what she's talking about. And I was right. She spots the squirrel and announces that there is no saving the squirrel, the bullet hit the spine and she's dying. She said that she's going to have to kill it because it shouldn't have to suffer any longer. The squirrel at this point is behind my next door neighbor's garage, I go around to the side of the garage so I can't see anything because this is the part where E, kind, calm, loving mother of 2, whacks the squirrel to death with the shovel. The whacking stops, I ask E if she's okay or not, she says yes, but she just wants to make sure that the squirrel is really dead. I go to open the neighbor's back gate so that she can take it out back and I see her and think she's burying the squirrel right there instead. Nope, she's just standing up on the shovel on top of the squirrel's neck, "To make sure the spinal cord is snapped and she's completely dead.", she says. I'm about to pass out at this point, I steady myself on the gate. E then listens for breath sounds, scoops the squirrel up in the shovel and takes her out the back gate to bury her in the woods. Meanwhile, my head is between my knees and I'm biting my tongue just to stay conscious. This is some shit, I know I couldn't pull this off for the good of the squirrel or no. I'm beside myself, this is a one woman mob, this is a woman you do not f*ck with, you don't do it. She can take you out with a whack of the shovel and then bury you with it. At this point, I realize I would not want to be China. Further, I wonder what her ex-husband was thinking, he definitely f*cked with her. Perhaps he didn't know the extent of her knowledge of the snapping of the spinal cord.
At the time of this writing both China and EX are alive and well. They learned a little something that week, don't mess with the One Woman Mob. China apologized for the terror caused the squirrel and distress caused to E, and packed away the b-b gun. EX has taken up ass-kissing.
In saying that, let me just point out that everyone has their, um.....quirks. Sometimes funny, sometimes bizarre, sometimes.....scary.
Here follows our story:
One neighbor (we'll call her E) that is truly a wonderful friend and person, I just love her, recently had an unfortunate break up of her relationship. Now, believe me, at the time I thought her ex-husband to be straight stupid, E doesn't possess a single bad quality. Now, after getting to know her a little better....I find him even more stupid, perhaps fatally so.
Another neighbor who has made his way to my postings before, China, has a vendetta against the squirrels. On this street we had a few crazy squirrels as well. Some might call them friendly, but when they peer into your storm door and knock to be let in, to me that's crazy. When you bring out the broom to scoot them off the front porch and they instead help you sweep, that's crazy. China had only the best intentions in mind, to rid the neighborhood of the crazy, and potentially rabid squirrels, when he bought himself a b-b gun. He's only thinking of the children after all.
Well, one lovely spring day, China turned out to not be the best shot. Here is where the horror begins, Readers. Be warned, the following story is not for the faint of heart. China had thought he had a good clean shot on the squirrel, the squirrel disappeared and he thought that was the end of that. Until poor D discovered the squirrel under my hose reel, paralyzed on the whole lower half of her body with a large round hole on the side of her body. China's calling card.
The squirrel was in pain, but still mobile and was limping under the fence and trying to get up the tree, not able to figure out why her body wouldn't do what she wanted it to do. China was conveniently gone. I cannot handle looking at (let alone touching) dead or dying animals, not roadkill, not a little mouse, not even a whole chicken in the local grocer's meat counter. I ran to E's house. Before becoming a full time mommy, E worked for the pharmaceutical companies, we all know what that means. Well, to be honest, Readers, I really didn't fully know what that meant. So I tell E what has happened, she's appalled. She says, "Hang on, I'll be right over....I'll bring my shovel." Whaaat? I just say okay, I don't really think I want to know what she's talking about. And I was right. She spots the squirrel and announces that there is no saving the squirrel, the bullet hit the spine and she's dying. She said that she's going to have to kill it because it shouldn't have to suffer any longer. The squirrel at this point is behind my next door neighbor's garage, I go around to the side of the garage so I can't see anything because this is the part where E, kind, calm, loving mother of 2, whacks the squirrel to death with the shovel. The whacking stops, I ask E if she's okay or not, she says yes, but she just wants to make sure that the squirrel is really dead. I go to open the neighbor's back gate so that she can take it out back and I see her and think she's burying the squirrel right there instead. Nope, she's just standing up on the shovel on top of the squirrel's neck, "To make sure the spinal cord is snapped and she's completely dead.", she says. I'm about to pass out at this point, I steady myself on the gate. E then listens for breath sounds, scoops the squirrel up in the shovel and takes her out the back gate to bury her in the woods. Meanwhile, my head is between my knees and I'm biting my tongue just to stay conscious. This is some shit, I know I couldn't pull this off for the good of the squirrel or no. I'm beside myself, this is a one woman mob, this is a woman you do not f*ck with, you don't do it. She can take you out with a whack of the shovel and then bury you with it. At this point, I realize I would not want to be China. Further, I wonder what her ex-husband was thinking, he definitely f*cked with her. Perhaps he didn't know the extent of her knowledge of the snapping of the spinal cord.
At the time of this writing both China and EX are alive and well. They learned a little something that week, don't mess with the One Woman Mob. China apologized for the terror caused the squirrel and distress caused to E, and packed away the b-b gun. EX has taken up ass-kissing.
Monday, July 6, 2009
Oh The Treasure!
My faith in the summer yard saling has been restored. I went up north for the weekend and proceeded to fill my van with finds not once, but 3 times. One time for each day that I went searching. As you can imagine, I'm quite impressed with myself. As you can further imagine, my husband, and father (whose house I was staying at), were not so impressed. In fact, my mom and I decided at one point to hide some of our stuff from our first trip out, in a closet. We completely forgot about it until I was about to leave 3 days later. Well, we started to remember the stuff we had lost, but we didn't even remember where it was. After a couple hours of searching, phone calls to my husband blaming him for losing it, and sitting on the couch completely befuddled, we opened the closet and it was like Christmas with all the stuff I pulled out.
And yes, Readers, it was stuff I needed. Don't even tell me that I don't need a Vera Bradley purse for 50 cents. Don't tell me that I shouldn't own a vintage Barbie that someone literally gave me at a yard sale. How about my vintage Trolls in the boxes that I picked up for 30 cents at a church sale, you know I need those. And I laugh at the person who suggests I don't need a vintage 1950s paper lampshade for $1.
While my goal is to clean out my office, I simpy cannot pass up these wonderful finds. The cleaning out of stuff will have to wait, I can't pass up a treasure at a great price. So, today my goal is to clean out my van so that I can fill it with more treasure next weekend.
And yes, Readers, it was stuff I needed. Don't even tell me that I don't need a Vera Bradley purse for 50 cents. Don't tell me that I shouldn't own a vintage Barbie that someone literally gave me at a yard sale. How about my vintage Trolls in the boxes that I picked up for 30 cents at a church sale, you know I need those. And I laugh at the person who suggests I don't need a vintage 1950s paper lampshade for $1.
While my goal is to clean out my office, I simpy cannot pass up these wonderful finds. The cleaning out of stuff will have to wait, I can't pass up a treasure at a great price. So, today my goal is to clean out my van so that I can fill it with more treasure next weekend.
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