My Swiffering Is Suffering

Well, we all know how I love a Swiffer. I love to dust, love it, and any Swiffer product makes it that much more enjoyable. I run around here Swiffer of some sort or another in hand talking on the phone, yelling at children, and Swiffering. It's a good time. Only, I haven't hardly done it at all in the last couple of weeks. Strange, but true. I blame it on what I now call...dun dun dunnnn...Extreme Thrifting. It's taking over my life. It's not like thrifting anyone has ever seen before. It's a free for all, it's pure madness, and best of all, it's all paid for by the pound. No more pricing rules with pants being one price, shoes another. Erase all that from your minds, it's over. Now, it's fill a cart, weigh it on a giant "cart scale" and pay 50 cents per pound. They don't care if you have 2 Hollister sweatshirts and a vintage 70s sundress, it's 50 cents per pound. They don't care that I just found a Bitty Twin and her clothes along with a pile of vintage Cabbage Patch Kid clothes and a box of Legos, it's 50 cents per pound. So you can see where the madness takes over, I'm addicted. So, at least my Swiffering is suffering for good reason. I mean, who can argue with a good bargain?

New Series ~ Quick Confessions ~ #1

Sometimes you just feel better when you get things off your chest, Bleaders, know what I mean. Thus, my new series, Quick Confessions. I'll just be writing down my thoughts, as naughty, ridiculous, godawful as they may be. Here goes.

Most of the times when I tell the kids I'll make them Chocolate Chip cookies, it's only because I crave the dough. I obsess about it. I just love it so much. Then I have to sneak it because they think eating dough is really bad for you, in fact, I just don't want to share. I mean, the cookies are good, but the dough is effing fabulous.

Smothering No Longer Necessary

This, Bleaders, is what I used to want to do to Vader. You may think from previous posts that I'm not a fan of the breathing machine that has given him his nickname. In fact that couldn't be further from the truth. If the snoring wasn't bad enough, it was that he constantly quit breathing while he was sleeping. I found myself holding my breath, waiting for him to take a breath. It made me so crazy that I just wanted to put us both out of our misery. Though I may have wanted to take a pillow to him, I of course didn't. I did do a lot of beating him about the arms and torso in order to wake him up and get him breathing. Turns out after the first month of two of marriage I just didn't have the patience to shake him gently awake.

So, now I'm happy to report that with the help of the breathing machine we are able to sleep in peace. Both of us. He thought he was sleeping fine before. He just needed me to point out to him, or beat into him, that he slept like shit. Which I continue to do when he tells me he's too tired to put on the blessed machine, and my elbow doesn't take no for an answer.

Basking In The Glow Of My KitchenAid

Well, the weather here sure is crappy, but who cares, I just sit in the glow from my stunning KitchenAid...with pour spout accessory purchased separately, thanks family! It may look a little large to you in this picture, and it is Bleaders, it is. Both literally and figuratively. It's of course a very big deal, I mean, just ask my husband what a large impact it's had on our snack life. Further, it weighs more than a concrete truck. I had to get a series of levers and pulleys going to just move it to the counter so I could photograph it...and bask in it's glow. This is a machine loved by one and all, even Vader revels in the deliciousness of baked goods that he makes himself with the power of the KitchenAid. My biggest problem with it right now is that I constantly worry we're going to wear it out from overuse, we'll waste away for sure. Then what will I do with all the elastic waistband pants I've purchased?

Annual Belated Holiday Letter

Well, it's time for my annual Christmas letter in the New Year. Somehow I never actually get around to do a Christmas letter until after the New Year. And we all know how I feel about the dreaded Christmas Cards. So over it.

What can I say, it's been a crazy year. The house is up for sale, we had to get a new car for Vader, the kids can nearly look me in the eye, I expanded my horizons and did a few more shows, and my hoarding of all things Fisher Price Little People and Barbie is at an all time low due to having to keep my office clean.

Right around Labor Day we put our house up for sale for the epic move to Arizona. Already my good friend, the One Woman Mob, has made her pilgrimage, my sister & her family have been there for a year and a half, and my parents are spending a nice super long vacation in their Arizona house this winter. Between all of them, we get daily updates on the weather. It's pretty much the same every day though:So we give them daily updates on our weather, also pretty much the same:

So we've had interest in the house, but no offers yet. We've found a house in Arizona that we're ready to put an offer on. It's beautiful, around the corner from my parents, and a short sale so that means we have plenty of time to try and sell our house before the bank would ever even look at an offer on a short sale home. Clearly, the sooner we sell the house and can move to AZ the better as the snow is about to suffocate me.

So, let's start with everyone's favorite subject, Vader. Vader got a new car right before Christmas, turns out that quarter million miles he put on the old one pretty much wore it out. Who knew? He got a sporty Honda Coupe with all the trimmings. He thinks he's the shit. Whatever, Vader. Other than the new car, he's been up to the same old, same old. He's been biking a lot, with my dad and various other biking friends. He got a new bike this year, again, thinks he's the shit. He still loves his job and has been spending a lot of time doing outdoor activities like bike riding and sledding with the kids this year.

On to A. Oh A, she's 5' 3" now, and only 11. Can you stand it? She and I are still doing the home-schooling. She really likes it and it's giving her the time on each subject to really learn. We've been able to incorporate fun things like a trip to Mackinaw City & the fort up there, as well as Mackinaw Island into her schooling. A made it to a blue belt in karate this year, both kids are taking some time off from karate right now due to the imminent move to AZ, but she plans to restart when we move. I've been taking her with me to help out with my shows too. She's great at setting up my tables, helping customers, she's even learning to make & count back change. She, like me, is definitely a collector, a passionate collector. She's still collecting Bratz dolls, way over 200 by now. She also is enjoying adding to a 1950's poodle collection, she collects Asian dolls and figurines, vintage Dream Pets, comic books, Smurfs, and most recently, the Flintstones Pebbles. So eclectic!

D is my crazy one. He's definitely a drama-driven entertainer at heart. He wants to dance and sing and make people (or at least his family) notice him. What's taking him so long in the bathroom you ask, why he's only just begun his repertoire of faces and dance moves in the mirror, you'll have to just wait your turn. He's in 2nd grade now, still going to school. He's doing great in math particularly. Reading has been a little more of a struggle for him, but it's finally coming around now that his speech is in good shape. He might be released from the speech program in the next couple of months, he's come a long way in a very short time. He's already over 4'5" at 8 years old and is the tallest boy in his class. He also made it to blue belt this year in karate. I think both he and A enjoyed swimming more than anything this year though, we even took them to Great Wolf Lodge for a couple of days so they could get more swimming in. D has also caught my collecting bug, he collects vintage Star Wars figures/ships, Galactic Heroes Star Wars, Transformers, Cars cars, Playmobil, and Legos. He's always on the lookout for anything to add to his collections.

As for me, my gathering of things is limited by what I can easily put into my office and still keep it clean. No more filling up the family room with my overflow. No more stacking of bags and boxes and risk having them fall onto me, trapping me forever in my office. That just won't do for an open house. I did try a couple of new shows this year, one of which was the big week long show in New York! It was super fun and we did pretty well. We only brought home half of what we came with! Right after the show, I ended up with a bad back, really bad, like it didn't go away and I couldn't walk. Any of you who are blog followers of mine might have read some of that nonsense. Turns out I have Degenerative Disc Disorder and the discs in my back are slowly disintegrating. Awesome. I'm glad I know about it now though because I have been able to learn what I should and shouldn't do so that I don't ever have problems like I did this fall. I feel pretty much back to normal now and I plan to keep it that way. Right now, I'm just trying to keep everything in order and pack a few things when I think of it so that I'm ready to move to AZ at the slightest notice. I can't wait, it's going to be great, just what I need right now, a new adventure! I have some great ideas for businesses that I plan to start up when I get out there. It's all very exciting.

So, that's our year in a nutshell. Busy, fun, crazy, and happy. Very.

That's Right...No Christmas Cards Again This Year

And I'm not sorry either. I didn't send out Christmas cards this year and I couldn't be happier about it. I don't know what my problem is with it. Perhaps it's my own little rebellion against the USPS, I'm doing my part to allow them to continue whining about how broke they are. Perhaps it's because I always wait until the last minute to get the kids pictures done. Well, not this year, this year we got them done early, but then, because they were done by a real professional photographer, you don't order them directly at the studio and apparently that is something that must happen in order for me to actually order them. I still haven't ordered the photos, so what, I'll get to it....maybe.

Perhaps I just don't like sending out the Christmas cards because I've done it for so long that I'm over it. When I was in elementary school, once I had learned to write in cursive, my dad came to the table with a stack of cards and a pen. He declared that I had such pretty writing, I should do the Christmas cards. Well, always a sucker for a compliment, I agreed to do whatever he needed me to do. Uh huh. It became, forevermore, my job. After writing out cards to my dad's 280 brothers and sisters as well as various other fringe family members for years and years, I'm suffering Christmas card writer's block. I just can't force myself to get out the address book and address all those envelopes and write all those "merrys" and "happys". So I won't and I don't. And I'm perfectly at peace with it.

The Vader Family Christmas Party

In following tradition, Bleaders, this year we finished up our own little Christmas and trotted our spoiled asses over to enjoy Christmas Day dinner with Vader's family. This is a sight to behold, let me tell you. There are anywhere from 15 to 150 family members crammed into the host's house at any given moment. Grandmas, Uncles, Cousins, friends of cousins, neighbors, friends of the neighbors, drifters, and even Californians. Hell, it got so crammed in this year, we were sweating and had to turn on the fans. Vader, as well as the rest of his family in it's entirety, all speak very, very loudly when together. Just get Vader on the phone with his mom or brother and he can be heard throughout our whole house. Friends of A & D are always like, "Why does your dad talk so loud on the phone?" Believe me, it's not cause he's on the phone that he's talking so loud, it's his family, they wouldn't know who it was if he wasn't shouting apparently. So, we've got a good 50 or 100 people in the house, all of them shouting, which makes others have to shout even louder to be heard and then someone happens past the stereo and notices that the lovely Christmas music is totally drowned out by all the shouting so it gets turned up super loud and the shouting is then literally at the highest level. People are cupping their hands around their mouths and yelling. I look around, stunned that no one thinks this is completely insane. Now, people are actually cupping their hands around other people's ears and shouting into the ears of their conversational partner. Shouting in ears.....like we're at a concert, or a monster truck rally. Eventually someone comes over to get the punch and turns the music down, probably because the vibrations of it were causing the punch to spill out of the bowl. It takes a couple of minutes for everyone to adjust, but the screaming into the ears does come to an end. It was a very nice dinner, sadly I had to scoot out of there around 8:00, somehow I had come down with a migraine....

From Our Family To Yours

Happy Holidays and a wonderful New Year to everyone!

I'm Now Prepared To Freeze My Ass Off

Catch up time! Get ready for a whole load of posts. I've been thinking of them, taking pictures for them, it's just too damn cold in my office to do anything about it. It usually runs about 48 degrees in my office this time of year. I used to have a little bitty space heater that told me the exact temp....until I blew it up last year from over-use.

Off To A Great Start!

Bleaders, if you'll remember the misery of last winter....the horrendous record breaking snow, most godawful winter bullshit ever, that was last year....you'll also recall that the children had but one measly, worthless snow day. Their little hearts were crushed as they no longer believed in the wonderment of winter, the magical snow day was just a myth after all. Well not this year! First snow, first snow day! What?! How do you like that, bitches? I know I like it very much....all except for the fact that my cancellation phone call came sooner than my alarm would've went off, thus I was up extra early. But, I didn't have to shower!

Just Happy To Be "D"

As we've already established, D is very interested in his ancestry. A week or so before Thanksgiving, we all sat down to eat dinner together. D cupped his hands together in a pleading manner and said, "Please, please, please, tell me I'm half Indian, mommy. Please!" Clearly, D is quite taken with all the Native American history he's currently learning in school. He's entranced by it, so I proceeded to crush his little heart and stomp it just a bit by telling him that he's unfortunately not half Indian. "Well, then what am I?", he asks, apparently his glee from finding out he's African a few months ago already forgotten. So I proceed to tell him...again.

Me: You're 1/4 Dutch...
D doing a fist pump: Yesssss!
Me: You're 1/8 Finnish....
D doing a fist pump: Wait, what's a Finnish?
Me: You're 1/2 African....
D doing a fist pump: AFRICAN! Yesssss!
D: That's from dad. Right mom, right? Don't they live in Africa? Are Africans from Africa?

Perhaps he can't remember because the excitement of it all is causing so much blood to rush to his brain that it's giving him little mini strokes, it's like excitement amnesia. Either that or he forgets purposely so that he can get all excited about it again, he's addicted to the excitement of ancestry. .......Well, who wouldn't be?

Winter Survival Must Haves - Stand Mixer - CHECK!

You do not even know the damage I'm going to do now. I got an early Christmas gift from my parents. My life's dream complete.....a Kitchen-Aid stand mixer. That's right, pure beauty in kitchen appliance mode. Armed with that and my vintage Betty Crocker cookbook I'm going to be unstoppable, amazing, and roly poly indeed. No one will know though, the snow is coming this week and so I'll not be emerging for the next 4-5 months. Count on it.

The New Salvation Army-Covering It's Own Ass-Screw Everyone Else

How's this for Tacky, Bleaders? I frequent many of the thrift stores in town, oh hell, in all of Michigan, one of which is The Salvation Army. Now, I mainly purchase knick knacks and toys from The Salvation Army stores. I do not go in for the clothing. Their return policy sucks and I have a problem that there is no rhyme or reason to their pricing. Let me give you a couple examples. At Goodwill, all kids clothes are $1.99. At Salvation Army, they may be $3.99, because you know, it may have an important name brand....like Faded Glory. At Goodwill, all women's shirts are $3.29, take it or leave it. At Salvation Army they may be $1.99 or they may be $7.99, again, could be an important name brand like Arizona with the tags still on. Yee. Ha. So you see my point, the pricers are either pranksters, or completely illiterate.

So in the last couple of months I've noticed a real lack of toys. I mean, I used to pick up doll houses, gorgeous stuffed animals by the armfuls, Bratz dolls, fantastic board games, just all around great stuff. Now, there is nothing, zippo. A small bin of stuffed animals and a couple bikes, it's just horrible. I decided to ask an employee what the heck is going on. She informed me that they aren't putting toys out anymore. I asked why and she said that they are afraid of lawsuits because of all the toy recalls concerning lead. I of course told her that most people are well aware of which toys to avoid....I'm looking at YOU Mattel....and that they could easily avoid putting out the toys in question....Mattel.....and put out all the ones that are good. I said that there has never been a problem with MGA/Bratz dolls, Little Tikes, I don't recall any board games or puzzles that were recalled. I certainly don't remember any recalls on stuffed animals. Some Barbies had problems, but it was just the accessories, not the actual doll. I mean, this is easy stuff, I told her. It's sad, I said, that they would just throw away perfectly good items, and in effect throw away money, especially when they have a responsibility to the community to provide low cost goods as well as to the foundation that they serve. Well, she quickly informed me they don't throw any of it away, surely she didn't want me to think that. I asked what they did with it then. Oh, they box all the toys up and send them to South America. WHAT? They are so concerned and wouldn't want to poison the precious little children of the United States, but it's okay if they poison the children of South America? I mean, this must just sound like a great solution to them. They get a write off, they don't fill up the land fills in our great country, and no one in South America that will receive these goods has any money to sue them. It's a win-win for The Salvation Army.

For me, I'm completely done with Salvation Army, done donating, done giving money to the red kettle, and done shopping until they get their priorities in order. If you're worried about poisoning one kid, you better worry about poisoning them all, not just the ones who can sue you. If you're not going to be knowledgeable about sorting your donations, let people know at the door that their toy donations won't be resold to people that can use them here in the States. Spread the word, Bleaders, your donations don't count at the Salvation Army.

Packin' On The Pounds

Well, I know it's a little early, but I've started putting on the obligatory layer of winter-warming fat. It's really due more to the fact that I injured my back and my activity has been very limited, than the fact that it turned cold in August in Michigan this year. However, admittedly, I've been highly tempted by all the delicious fall foods. Daily pots of fresh applesauce, homemade apple pie, warm chocolate chip cookies to warm the hands and bellies....seriously, the melt in your mouth-goodness-list goes on and on. So anyway, I'm definitely feeling it and I don't see any change in the near future, after all, the holidays are fast approaching. Bleaders, if you don't have a vintage Betty Crocker cookbook, you just don't know the deliciousness that I can come up with to make every day, not just the holidays, cheerier! Between Vintage Betty and a cookbook by the up-north rural Churchladies, the J household is sure to look roly and poly when we emerge again in the spring. Can I get an Oink Oink!

It's That Time Of Year Again

The time of year when I request a weekly (or daily) spending limit be placed on the Playmobil website. Clearly, they don't reply to my requests. Letting me loose on that website is like letting me loose in the Grand Traverse Pie Company with no calorie limit, have you seen their Dutch Apple Pie? I can't get enough of Playmobil. I love everything about it. The themes, the accessories, the size, the smell, the taste. I seriously want to eat every last piece of it. I love it so much I feel the need to squeeze the shit out of it. Everytime I see something on the website, I think about how much fun I'm going to have on Christmas morning putting it together and setting it up. Obviously, the amount of fun I'm going to have in those two areas is a huge determining factor if I decide to buy it for the kids. Or if I decide to talk the kids into loving it and letting them know they will need it for their lives to be complete.

Frankenstein Has The Music In Him

Both kids looked fantastic this Halloween. What's most amazing though is the huge repertoire of dance moves that Frankenstein has in him. He just can't keep from shaking those hips and showing a little sass. Oh, Sassy Frankenstein, show me more of your Egyptian dance. Let me also point out, that huge hair on Bride of Frankenstein, it's all hers, no wigs for A.

Don't Breathe, Breathe

Well Bleaders, as you can see, today was x-ray day. I should've had them taken yesterday, but clearly, I was far too exhausted to get over there....literally. So today I decided to go directly after waking up. Well, that's not entirely true, I should say after getting around, I've been awake since 3 am. I think I got a good solid 4 hours before I woke up though, so high five that.

As you can see, I'm grinning and baring it. Actually, mostly I'm just grimmacing. The x-rays were in fact taken lying down, not a good position for me. They asked if I could be pregnant before we got started. Ha! If Vader shifts positions in bed and jostles me a little bit I'm near tears & awake for the next 2 hours. I can't do anything that involves undressing, lying down, sitting down, rolling over, bouncing, twisting, bending, or any variety of movements that would in some way cause my hips to move my legs in an outward position rather than straight ahead. With this laundry list of pain provokers, it was easier to just say, "No, I'm not a masochist."

New Pictures From My Life....Coming Soon

I have lots of fun ideas for the Pictures From My Life series. I just have to get my hip feeling a little better so that I can actually set something up. I know, I know, what's the problem? Why did I have kids if not to do my bidding, right? Well, true as that is, they just don't understand the finer points of the photography of my life. There has to be some humor in it, it's just very complicated. The humor of elementary aged children is centered around farts and boogers and frankly, that just doesn't photograph well.